Welcome to Empirical Purple

A blog by Simon Brady to cover a surprisingly wide range of geekiness, in a combination that no-one else does quite the same way. Probably. Either that, or it'll just be Simon talking about the likes of Football (usually the Soccer variety), PC & Tabletop Gaming, WWE, Movies, Music and occasionally even my actual job of Graphic Design, depending on what I'm up to in the world.



Saturday, July 16, 2011

Taking Over the World: A Guide

Take That tell us that you can rule the world if you ride stars and have your girlfriend stay with you. I doubt that's particularly helpful advice, so here's a suggestion with more merit.

To start off with, it helps to be a King, Dictator, or otherwise some super-rich type. If you're not already one of those, be prepared for the long game, by which one of your descendants may, one day, rule the world.

Let's assume you are, like me, one of the poor people of the world. The first step is to become a Financial Institution, i.e. a bank. This is fairly easy. First of all you need a secure place to store a lot of cash, gold and other 'hard' means of value. So a nice vault, some security, that sort of thing. You need to be able to take money from people and store it safely, while promising to give them access to it pretty much whenever they like.

You give them interest on their money, to make it worth their while. Of course this interest is less than what you'll make using their money, so it's a win-win situation.

As a bank you can offer people loans. Mortgages, student loans, business loans, all sorts of different types of credit. With £10 you can lend £100, because you can plan for getting it back, and the person who deposited that £10 in the first place probably won't need access to their money at any given time. If they do, you can always give them the £10 that someone else has deposited in the meantime.

With £100 plus interest near-guaranteed to come back to you, you can then lend someone else £1000. Then someone else £10,000, then £100,000, then £1,000,000... and so on. As long as, at the beginning, you're careful in who you lend it to, ensuring you get it bits of it back on time each month, you're laughing. This is because you've also added on the interest, of course, so your £100 lent has generated you £110, for example.

Now don't worry if you haven't got the money to lend, because the Government will give it to you at a standard rate. You then hike this rate when lending the same money to ordinary people. Don't worry, it's perfectly legal and is a great way of creating money out of nowhere.

Not only do you make money because the credit you've given generates interest, but with all that money lying around (or, in electronic terms, just sitting there on a spreadsheet) you can take your savings bank and start playing as an investment bank! This is where it really gets fun.

You can play it the simple, slow, steady way by investing in the 'blue chip' stocks that are near-guaranteed to return on the stock market. You can play fast and loose if you like, making billions if you've got the right people who are incredibly smart or incredibly lucky, meaning they're incredibly well paid. You can play the bond market, too, and lend to governments. By this point you, as the bank owner, will be incredibly rich. You can buy up other banks, increase your holdings and power and move into all sorts of other markets.

The time will come when a particular government is so in debt to your bank, borrowed so much that they'll even go to the length of devaluing their currency via inflation in order to make the actual value of the debt they owe you smaller. That won't help much, of course, as the structure of their economy will mean they'll have to keep borrowing from you, ever-increasing the debt just to keep their heads above water.

Then, when the time is ripe, you collect.

You and all your banker friends, associates and institutions. Everyone collects, no-one can repay. The world is yours.

Do with it as you will, because the ordinary people in this don't matter. They don't even get the representation of a column on the spreadsheet.

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